This Is A Lie

Heaven only knows

This is a lie
24 February 1988
To tell everyone the truth I had to hit the lowest lows before I could ever reach this point. But I hit an emotional rock bottom that I refuse to reach again. It's only up from here baby.
I have been going to BPD classes, I have been going to therapy and more than that I have been busting my ass every day to get better. I learned some things along the way.
I found out that those with BPD will go to desperate measures to be considered "normal". I have decided to quit living for anyone's standards of normal and be me. To stop trying to please everyone and to start living a life I feel good about.
I have searched for happiness my whole life. I thought the straight As, being popular, the perfect boyfriend, a new condo would bring me happiness. I have learned happiness is not what you have. It cannot be obtained. It's inside of you. It's a frame of mind. It can be accessed at any time with only desire and determination as your guide.
I guess what I'm saying is there has been some realizations, there has been some soul searching. I am no longer the person who sits and whines and complains as I have been most of my life. I am a beautiful, loveable, person.
I want to work on things that allow me to be creative, I want to breed my dog when I have learned enough and we are ready. I want to make changes that will lead me to the life I want to live and this time there is no stopping me.
I know I am going to have sad days, I know I am going to have mad days. I know I am going to have days where I feel hopeless but those are just moments, just days, just part of a bigger picture. The bigger picture being my life, being me.
This journal will no longer be a long list of complaints and will become a place to record my progress, thoughts, and me.
I'm not crazy
I'm not crazy
I'm not crazy
I'm not crazy doc not all the time